I’m always wanting,Daily Haiku - Chris Lees
never wanted in return.
It’s a lonely place.
Ignore All This Advice - Chris Lees
I can tell you that things will get better, that you can get perspective on the weirdest years. That although it might be as present and painful as you’ve ever felt, that sometimes time and distance really are the only cures. That the future can be a wonderful place if only you live to see it. I could tell you that the darkness is temporary, and there’s no reason to believe me other than by trusting that I sat through a lot of bleak nights. And dawn always came, always bright and always better than the drowning hours of night. I can tell you things will get better.
I can tell you that there will come a time when you look back at yourself at twelve, fifteen, eighteen, twenty-one, whatever and you’ll see how all the pieces work. Or at least that the pieces can work. It all adds up to something. Life never makes sense at the time, and when you get to twenty-five, there’ll be new and as difficult challenges. But at least by then you’re armed with the knowledge that comes just from having got there.
I can tell you that how you feel now is real and valid. People will try to tell you that it’s a phase, that you’ll grow out of it, that you’re too young right now. But people never tell you that you have the right to feel however you want. And if you need to cry it out silently at night, and if you need the dread and the sheer fucking wretchedness of it all, that’s what you need. Trust me, you need to start taking your feelings seriously, and nobody seems to takes them seriously. So you have to. And if you’re willing to trust me a little further, then please trust me that more people than you might think are struggling. Fuck it, everyone is struggling. Nobody ever has a clue what they’re doing or why they’re doing it. Watch people on the street; they’re all children masquerading as adults who know how economics works. So take your feelings seriously, and you’ll learn more about yourself than most ever do.
I can tell you that you will lose people and it will hurt like hell, and what’s more, it will hurt so much that it feels like you will never not feel like that. Relationships will come and go. Sometimes it’ll be your fault, sometimes it’ll be somebody else’s fault, and sometimes it will be nobody’s fault but things just don’t work out. Those are the worst times, because no-one’s done anything wrong. People will die. Sometimes they’ll get a good innings and go with a dance before the finish line. Sometimes they’ll just die and it will break you heart because it’s not right and it’s not fair. And you really have to trust me on this one, and I don’t know if I really believe it myself yet, but things get better. I don’t know why or how. But one day, weeks away, months away, years away, you wake it up and it doesn’t hurt as much any more.
I can tell you that the vast majority of the people on this planet would rather be doing something else. Nobody ever dreamed of working in a supermarket or that office job. But somebody has to do those jobs apparently, and it could be you. It could be your neighbour. The only thing between you at that job and you doing something you love is the ambition you live with when it seems your options are smallest. There are always minutes in the day to do something better than you are currently doing. But things usually need money (I told you that adults don’t understand economics) and you will have to find a way of getting it. I don’t know how. That’s up to you.
The thing is, I can tell you all these things. But it means absolutely nothing. Because they only way you’ll ever believe me is by living. There’s no such thing as souls or soul-mates. There’s no destiny, no fate, no chosen path. This is it, this is real life and it’s the only thing you’ll ever truly have. So you have to live it, and you’ll look back and want to tell people that it’s going to be okay.
It’s going to be okay.
Hold that final breath;Daily Haiku - Chris Lees
by the time that you exhale,
we’ll be much older.
Rise from the ashesDaily Haiku - Chris Lees
of every time you’ve been burned;
plant deeper futures.
10 Reasons We Should Have Never Dated - Chris Lees
One. We told each other that we loved one another. I don’t think we meant it. We had been going out for a while, and if we had never said it, I doubt we would have lasted much longer.
Two. The first time I brought you home, you sneered at the shabby walls I called a bedroom. It was a lot nicer than the caravan I was ashamed to invite you to, but I was proud of my little home, even with the peeling wallpaper, the damp trickling down from the ceiling, the dust on the floor. You laughed and asked why I just didn’t get someone to fix it, as though it were ever that easy.
Three. We were once in bed, listening to music. ‘Colourblind’ by Counting Crows came on, and you laughed at the line ‘I am covered in skin/No-one gets to come in.’ You said that it was stupid. “Obviously everyone’s covered in skin,” you said. I looked at you differently after that.
Four. I rarely made you come.
Five. You once showed me a new watch you’d bought, and said, laughing, ‘This probably cost more than your house.’ We spent the rest of the taxi ride in silence.
Six. When I was going away on tour, you cried and said ‘please don’t go.’ And eight months into our relationship, that could have been the most vulnerable you had ever been around me.
Seven. You made me wait outside while you went shopping at a fancy department store because “you don’t fit in in there.”
Eight. I once spent an afternoon cleaning the house you thought so little of. I cooked the best meal I could, and borrowed some money from a friend to buy a fancy bottle of wine. You told me that you would have rather gone to a restaurant. I still owe my friend that money.
Nine. I dedicated a song to you at a show, when you were watching me from the back of the room and on your phone. Afterwards I asked you if you had liked the songs I wrote for you. You said they were too depressing.
Ten. We should have stopped at One.
It’s all in my head,Daily Haiku - Chris Lees
and while my heart was dying,
that was the problem.